Use your fokken common sense with dating apps, please!

In Movies en TV deur griffin

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The article I published earlier today about Swaaibraai, the local Afrikaans movie with a swingers app as central theme, made me wonder about the real dating apps out there. I honestly have no fucking idea how it works as I have never had the need for it, so if my wife goes through my browsing history and sees an entry for “How does Tinder work?”, I might be in kak, but it is totally is for research purposes and for the other two people out there who is not on the app, this is what I found:

You install the app, connect it to Facebook, verify your phone number, upload some photos of yourself, give them your location, preferred radius and age range and then you start swiping – left for nay and right for yay. Then you wait for matches and start messaging the ones interested. Pretty low grade stuff.

Now let me show how to apply  some fokken common sense to this app, without ever having used it myself. I’m just going to base this on how to approach any platform online. This is not exclusively for dating apps because the same set of obvious unspoken rules will apply to WhatsApp, Facebook messenger, SMSes, letters or little notes strapped to pigeons.

Your photos
If you’re going put yourself out there with kak photos, you’re not going to get very far. People say not to judge a book by its cover, but they are all liars. They judge kak hard. Taking a photo of yourself in the mirror in your speedo is fine. The more a person gets to see of you, the easier it makes their swipe decision on face value. Taking a photo of yourself in your speedo with unmade bed in the background tells prospective suitors that you’re a slob. And taking one where you can accidentally see your used strap-on on the bedside table. Well…

Your ability or lack thereof to read with comprehension
So if someone puts this ad out on Facebook:
2012 Red VW Golf 6, full service history. Accident free. 135,000km. R135k, not negotiable. Vereeniging.
And your very first comment is: “Hi, where are you from. I have R90k cash” then you’re going to fucking struggle your poes off to find someone to broeknaai at the movies. Because you come across as fucking dumb.

Your own bio
Needless to say, if you have kak bio, you’re gonna probably die alone. And stuff like “I can bench press a donkey” probably only impresses your mom, in which case, you should probably date her.

Going for for the try line as soon as the whistle blows
We get that you’re as horny as a Dallas without a Debby and that you’re probably into this solely for the sex, but “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” should probably only be brought up after the fourth date at Spur.

Don’t let the conversation lose momentum
All stories except Days Of Our Lives have a beginning, middle and end. If you keep waffling on about the same thing, Miss Right is gonna get bored quickly. If “and then” frequents your conversations, you’re on episode 342 of Days. And also, to make things less boring – don’t lie about things or make up fancy stories. If you’re not an interesting person, date someone  as boring as yourself, take up knitting or make friends with a bag of potatoes.

Don’t be a picky prick.
*Gets out megaphone and clears throat*
“YOU’RE NOT GOING TO DATE CHARLIZE THERON! EVER!”
*whispers*
“I’ve tried…”

Know when to stop
Eloquently put in Elsa from Frozen’s words: “Let it go!”
Don’t be fokken creepy. Let the other person steer the conversation and the amount of conversation there is to be had. One reply of “Cool” probably only means “cool” – it doesn’t mean “marry me and have my babies and visit me immediately to make said babies”

And for the love of all that is sacred – don’t send dick picks. Its not special. Dicks are just uglier, more bendy versions of fingers that need to stay out of sight.

Head over to
the Plumlist for a more attainable list. Our weekly top 10 of what to stream in South Africa:
10# Gen Z is getting into Good Trouble – and loving it
After starting life as a spinoff of the groundbreaking family drama series and Teen Choice Breakout Show winner The Fosters, Good Trouble, now streaming only on Showmax,quickly found its own audience among teens and young adults, and got the thumbs-up from critics, who gave it a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
On Showmax
(read more)
 #9 Forget Cats at the cinema – try this true-crime feline fiasco instead
There’s a good chance many people are going to watch the first five minutes of Netflix’s new true-crime docu-mini-series before checking out. The show’s called Don’t F*ck With Cats: Hunting An Internet Killer, and with good reason.
On Netflix
(read more)
#8 Revving good action on internet TV
Okay, so we all know the story about how Amazon Prime snagged Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May away from the original Top Gear series: Jeremy wanted a steak dinner and punched his producer when he didn’t get it after a long day of filming.
 On Amazon Prime & Showmax
(read more)
 #7 Celebrating David Attenborough and Mother Nature
It’s hard to escape the onslaught of bad news regarding our world. Australia’s burning, the Amazon is shrinking, coral reefs are dying – is there any point in trying to do anything to save any of it?
On Netflix & Showmax
(read more)
 #6 The Star Trek: Picard trailer shows the journey is far from over
Sir Patrick Stewart will be reprising his role as Captain Jean-Luc Picard, decades after leaving his original role on Star Trek: Next Generation, in the series to be released on 24 January 2020. Picard is in the next chapter of his life – and it’s not at Starfleet.
On Amazon Prime
(read more)
 #5 Mrs Fletcher, one of 2019’s top TV shows, was directed by a South African woman
Nominated for Best Limited Series at the 2020 GLAAD Media Awards, Mrs Fletcher is a dual coming-of-age story chronicling the personal and sexual journeys of an empty-nest mother and her college freshman son, who both embrace their newfound freedom with mixed results.
On Showmax
(read more)
 4# In Season 7, Ray Donovan’s keeping it all in the family
In the title role, Liev Schreiber has been nominated for five Golden Globes and three Emmys for his performance as a fixer who does the dirty work when his rich and powerful clients get themselves into trouble.
 On Showmax
(read more)
 #3 See the most stunning shots of Earth From Space
Earth From Space shows us in four episodes how the planet is changing and adapting while bringing us up close to the natural miracles and the wonders of all of Earth’s wildlife, from cameras on the ground, in the air and in space.
On Showmax 
(read more)
 #2 Some of the most pause-worthy moments in Hollywood blockbusters
Blink and that moment where you think you may have seen something weird or out of whack is gone! Especially when you watch movies at the cinema. You can’t hit the pause button or rewind a few moments back because you missed something when the old lady with the big hairdo right in front of you coughed.
 On DStv Now & Showmax
(read more)
 #1 Get a taste of JAN Season 2
In the two years since the debut of Jan Hendrik van der Westhuizen’s reality show JAN launched on DStv, his French Riviera restaurant has been awarded four Michelin stars.
On Showmax
(read more)

Our randomized trailer pick of the week

Each week we take a number from 1 to 10 from our list of suggestions and put it through a randomizer to choose a trailer to show you. This week it landed on our number 2 spot, Don’t F*ck With Cats: Hunting An Internet Killer!

When a video is posted online of a mysterious man killing two kittens, internet users across the world leap into action to find the perpetrator. Encouraged by the attention he’s receiving, the killer continues posting ever more disturbing videos, eventually crossing into murder. From the producers of The Imposter and Silk Road

Hierdie post is 616 keer in totaal gelees en 1 keer vandag gelees.

Watkykjy staan op 1,466,335 post views in totaal sedert 1 November, 2019.

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griffinUse your fokken common sense with dating apps, please!