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Fokkit peeps, what the blerrie pixelated fuck is going on with the Proteas, hey? First England reminded us about the meaning of the word “skaam”, then Bangla bliksemmed our ears red in the second game and in the third game, India rolled up the welcome mat and took it to their locker room. At first glance our final score against India looks decent (because it looks like a 3 run loss) but when you look closer and take off the bloody plasters it is actually a groot gemors. They annihilated us by 6 wickets and two-and-a-half overs to spare. Eina! The only silver lining to this poop cloud is that South Africa has at least won the toss 3 times in a row. But… to play tos doesn’t help, okes.

The World Cup Cricket dream for the Proteas is unfortunately shattered. People are now trying to stay positive and talking about how we just need to win the next six games. Are you high? That only get’s us to the choke-chain round, boet. We need eight victories in a row to take that cup home. I really hope we do. I will be ecstatic. Thoughts and prayers then?

But like the title suggests, we’re not here to talk cricket. Nor are we here to talk rugby. Sorry that I cat-fished you. Truthfully, I have no fucking clue as to what is going on in any form of rugby on our planet. I gave my last fuck that I had to someone a while ago and I think that person lost it as well. You see? you give one fuck…
This morning a friend chatted to me and told me that the Bulls drew for the second time. So I googled “Super 14 rugby” and “Super 15 rugby” came up as a result. Plus I saw that we’re already in week 17 of 18. So… all the clues, none of it.

I’m a Lions supporter, anyway. One rugby player less than a full team, to be precise. Check, 14 actual lions escaped from the Kruger Park yesterday and people living in and around Phalaborwa have been warned to be super careful. The Department of Economic Development, Environment and Tourism has confirmed sightings of the pride near the Foskor mine, which is more or less 5km south of Phallas (that’s what I would call Phalaborwa if I had to live there).

I dig how people always give human qualities to animals – They escaped!
*pulls up shoulders, makes big jazz hands gesture and big scary eyes*
Not a fuck did the Lions escape from anywhere, man! They were just walking around and chilling (fok, now I am doing the same thing). They didn’t hatch a hair-brained scheme while playing ‘go fish’ on a big fat flat rock and smoking cigars one arwie in the sun.
“Yo, Cecil. Phallas se fokken ballas, bru! Let’s blow this boring mining town, ek sê. Do you have any fours?”
“I don’t know, Simba. Like, where would we go, bru? *takes drag from cigar*  The weather is tit here. Oh… no fours. Go fish…”

But don’t stress, Phalaborwanonions – according to a spokesperson from the Limpopo Department of Economic Development, Environment and Tourism (really, guys… that’s a fokken long name) there is no immediate danger. The lions are in a contained area and under constant surveillance, which would effectively mitigate any surprise attack.
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So vat ‘n chill pill en relax. Sommer stay indoors and see if you can klap our entire top 10 which we selected from this week’s pick from The Plumlist:

# 10 Grey’s Anatomy S15 From Meredith Grey to McSteamy, it’s the medical drama series that set the bar. Come along with the staff of Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital as they save lives while trying to keep their own together.	On DStv Now (read more)
#9 Where to stream the M-Net Sunday night movies in June Who knows when the tradition of the Sunday night movie started in South Africa? It now feels firmly entrenched as the perfect way to round off a weekend, with the Carte Blanche closing credits as its calling card.	On DStv Now (read more)
#8 The man with four wives tells us how his reality TV show changed his life Polygamy may get a bad rap in other parts of the world but it’s largely accepted in South Africa because the concept and practice has been commonplace for centuries.	On DStv Now & Showmax (read more)
#7 Ten movies that are worth your time and data on Showmax From indie gems to Oscar winners and box office hits, these are the movies you won’t regret streaming the next time you feel like having a movie night, whether you caught them at the cinema and want to rewatch them.	On Showmax (read more)
#6 Patrick Melrose, reviving the Golden Age of television, one perfect episode at a time There is something called the Golden Age of television. Well, many things, because there is more than one period which is so defined.	On Showmax (read more)
#5 Taking snow to Iceland: the making of Fortitude Sky called it “the most ambitious television British drama ever – in both tone and style”, but interviews with producers and the creator of Fortitude, Seasons 1 to 3 now streaming only on Showmax.	On Showmax (read more)
#4 The quickest way to solve a crime? Follow the money Generally, the people who make films and television series will show you things that are important, things that you, the viewer, should be paying attention to because they’re going to play a part somewhere along the line.	On Showmax  (read more)
#3 Watching mothers doing the laundry has never been this much fun When the five-second countdown to the next episode begins, and you know it’s the last one of the season, and it makes you sad – you know you’ve got a winner on your hands. Then when you Google and see a third season is already on the cards for February 2020 and it makes you happy – ditto.	On Netflix (read more)
#2 Ali’s ode to himself: What’s in a name? Antoine Fuqua’s documentary tells the story of Muhammad Ali in his own words. After all, who better to speak for Ali than the man himself, with his golden gloves and gilded tongue?	On Showmax (read more)
#1.Black Mirror S5 In Striking Vipers, two old college buddies reconnect in a VR version of their favourite video game; Smithereens is about a London rideshare driver who kidnaps a high-profile business exec; and Rachel, Jack and Ashley Too sees Miley Cyrus playing a celebrated pop star whose life is about to unravel.	On Netflix (read more)

[feature_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ icon=”lightbulb-o”] Our randomized trailer pick of the week [/feature_headline]

Each week we take a number from 1 to 10 from our list of suggestions and put it through a randomizer to choose a trailer to show you. This week it landed on our number 5 spot, Taking snow to Iceland: the making of Fortitude. Just take a look at this description: Fortitude is a place like nowhere else. Although surrounded by the savage beauty of the Arctic landscape, Fortitude is one of the safest towns on earth. There has never been a violent crime here. Until now.

Yiiiiiiikes!!!!!