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Fokkit peeps, have you read that thing about the dead guy who woke up and is now alive and now that one prophet wants to donner that other pastor oke? Ironically, no-one saw it coming.

Prophet Mboro is dik fokken upset with Pastor Lukau. You see, last week sometime Pastor Alph Lukau, a Congolese preacher who made Satafrika his new home, raised a Zimbabwean man called Elliot from the dead at the Alleluia International Ministries church in Kramerville. The only thing that needs to be raised here are questions. Questions like:

How much was the dead guy paid for this kak stunt?
Where is his death certificate?
Why doesn’t he look like he was dead for two days?
Why can’t ya’ll motherfuckers spell “hallelujah”?
Are people in Pastor Lukau’s congregation really that fucking dumb to believe this kak?

Here are some answers to the last question with some obvious conclusions:

• This guy has a Range Rover, a Bentley, a Lamborghini, a Rolls Royce, a Ferrari and a three-wheeler custom bike.
• In 2016, Lukau held a marriage conference where he charged women up to R5k a pop to find husbands.
• Lukau was chosen to conduct the wedding of Duduzile Zuma to Lonwabo Sambudla at an Eastern Cape game reserve in 2011 and we all know what happens to money at any Zupta wedding.

More info on the resurrection: That dead Zombabwean (zombie + Zimbabwean {fokken proud of this one})  who was resurrected’s real name is Brighton Moyo who works for Vincent Amoretti, a timber company in Pretoria. That’s a good start. Old Jesus was a carpenter himself, dude. At the time of this mini zombie scare, he took two days off work to attend a funeral – his own. But this is not the first time he met with Pastor Lukau – Brighton once helped this fake fuck by pretending to be wheelchair-bound and then standing up after Lukau prayed for him.
Back to pastor Mboro, who now seems to have found the perfect nemesis in Lukau. He was very very very very upset about all this fake kak that made headlines and accused the zombie king of the Christians of “bringing Christianity into disrepute”. So Mboro challenged Pastor Lukau to raise Nelson Mandela from the dead. “Let’s not fool people”, Mboro protested at the pearly gates of Alleluia International Ministries. “Stop lying in the name of God!” he proclaimed while kneeling next to his R2m BMW i8, with the scissor doors strategically opened for dramatic effect.

Shall we have a gander at Pastor Mboro’s credentials?

• He claimed on Facebook that he went to heaven and killed Satan but after receiving negative feedback he deleted it.
• In 2016 Prophet Mboro claimed that he was overcame by the spirit on Easter Sunday when he went to heaven and took pictures on his Samsung Galaxy smartphone. He claimed that he sold the heavenly pictures for R5000 each. What the fuck is it with these guys and R5k?
• He also claimed that he had access to the Pearly Gates and could get people in at a heavenly cost. He was charging members of his congregation R10000. For those paying attention – it is two times R5k.

Holy fucking shitshow! In your own words: “Stop lying in the name of God!” Ya’ll need Jesus!

Mboro is more ore less fuck-all percent worried about Christianity. He is worried about his customer base, more or less the same way the EFF is worried about the BLF stealing all the dumb for themselves, because dumb people can be taken for a poes and their money very easily.

Those two idiots can moer each each other and thin out the idiot base a bit. Thin base, please…

How about we focus on some real entertainment in stead?
What look you this weekend?
You look at our lekker list, compliments of The Plumlist.
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10# The Bachelor SA S1 South Africa’s first Bachelor, in the locally produced edition of this reality dating series, meets 24 beautiful, diverse and accomplished women in the search for love. Also known as the mostcringed on TV in true Safafrikan fashion.	On DStv Now (read more)
#9 Do the Oscars still matter? I think it’s a good idea for The Oscars to have no host. No guests and no cameras would be good too. Just tweet the list of winners for anyone who still gives a fuck – Ricky Gervais	Everywhere (read more)
#8 Getting to know your body and sexual being with Big Mouth Created by and starring the voice of Nick Kroll, this hilarious series celebrates the repugnant, shameful and shocking aspects of puberty with sheer glee, making fun of the embarrassing changes we’ve all been through	On Netflix (read more)
#7 Lorena From Executive Producer Jordan Peele, this four-part docuseries investigates the events of 1993, where Lorena Bobbitt sliced off her husband’s penis after years of abuse. John and Lorena Bobbitt’s stories exploded into a 24-hour news cycle.	On Amazon Prime (read more)
#6 What was new on Amazon Prime Video in South Africa in Feb? Amazon Studios gives us a taste of the much-hyped HANNA, which only releases in March, and makes us feel uncomfortable in Generation Wealth. Oh, and sommer click through to see the rest of the list. There is more than 30 titles loaded for March.	On Amazon Prime (read more)
#5 A hunting she will go… South Africa loves to make movies around romantic comedies, crime dramas, historical events and slapstick. It’s a much rarer treat to see a proper crime thriller, and a well-made one at that. Jagveld, also known as Hunting Emma (it’s Afrikaans but with subtitles), is a tight, smart and fast-paced thriller that might have you guessing, but will definitely keep you entertained.	On Showmax (read more)
#4 Three documentaries about the #MeToo movement DStv Now offers three ways to hear from the victims of the sexual assault and harassment that is shockingly prevalent in – although by no means limited to – the entertainment industry.	On DSTV Now  (read more)
#3 HBO is bringing its A-game this year HBO’s latest sizzle reel has dropped, and it opens with a sweeping view of the wall in the new season of Game of Thrones, which arrives in April 2019 (at the 47-second mark you can see dragons arriving at Winterfell), plus clips of new shows like Euphoria, The Righteous Gemstones, Mrs. Fletcher, and Years And Years, a new limited series	On Showmax (read more)
#2 Period. End of Sentence (2018) The Oscar-winning short documentary about a group of women in Hapur fighting the stigma of menstruation in India, where women don’t have access to sanitary products, miss out on education, and can’t even worship at their temples.	On Netflix (read more)
#1. The Umbrella Academy: you can’t choose your family In October 1989, 43 women in different parts of the world give birth on the same day. The truly weird bit is, none of them were pregnant when they woke up that day. A dapper, eccentric and monocled billionaire – who clearly knows something the rest of us don’t – pulls out his well-stuffed billfold and convinces seven of the surprised new moms to part with their (presumably immaculately conceived) progeny.	On Netflix (read more)

[feature_headline type=”left, center, right” level=”h2″ looks_like=”h3″ icon=”lightbulb-o”] Our randomized trailer pick of the week [/feature_headline]

Each week we take a number from 1 to 10 from our list of suggestions and put it through a randomizer to choose a trailer to show you. This week the dragons landed on the HBO’s It All Starts Here trailer.

And we can’t be more excited. Feel these nipples!
*rubs nipples trough t-shirt*
You are in for one moerse fokken treat with HBO this year with titles such as His Dark Materials, Mrs. Fletcher, Years and Years, Big Little Lies, Euphoria, Watchmen(!!!), Deadwood(!!!) and of course that series that used the entire planet earth’s TV production budget, Game of Thrones. 

Press play and sit on your hands to watch the whole thing, or skip to 49 seconds to see that motherfucking dragon!