Our top 10 weekly selection of DSTV Now | Showmax | YouTube | Netflix | Amazon Prime
I got so fokken deurmekaar with all the Marvel Movies and in which order it goes, so I did some research so you can start at the right place and watch them in the correct order. It should keep you busy for quite some time. You’re gonna need a world of popcorn:
- Captain America: The First Avenger (takes place during WWII)
Steve Rogers, a rejected military soldier transforms into Captain America (Chris Evans) after klapping some drugs in the form of a “Super-Soldier serum”. Being Captain America comes at a price though. He attempts to take down some doos from a terrorist organization.
- Captain Marvel (takes place in 1995)
Carol Danvers (Brie Larson) becomes fucking strong and more powerful than the Guptas when Earth is caught in the middle of a moerse war between two alien races. This is high up in my top 5 of the series of 23 movies. I watched Endgame before this movie and I was like: who the fuck was that awesome chick? Don’t make the same mistake…
- Iron Man (takes place in 2010)
Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) is chilling in some caves in Afghanistan. Actually, hang on. He is a prisoner, so it is lank kak. But… he also happens to be a billionaire engineer, so he creates a unique weaponized suit of armor to fuck up evil. the suit is poes expensive. But Tony can afford it.
- Iron Man 2 (takes place after Iron Man)
So becasue of the first movie, the entire world now knows who Tony Stark is. Also his health is taking a bit of a knock and he has to deal with some doos who somehow knew his dad.
- The Incredible Hulk (time unspecified, pre-Avengers)
O jesus, this is the one with Edward Norton in the role of Bruce Banner where he is a scientists who is constantly fleeing from the US government. Also, he turns into a (physically) big green douche canoe with a kak temper and he is trying to find a cure before he wrecks alles in his path. Hulk SMASH!
- Thor (time unspecified, pre-Avengers)
Thor (Chris Hemsworth) is a very powerful but cunty god-asshole who lives in Asgard and gets cast out to go live on earth with us boring earthlings. Luckily for us he becomes on of our coolest defenders. Pweh!
- The Avengers (takes place in 2012)
Remember, you need to watch the one from 2012 and not the piece of shit movie with Uma Thurman and Ralp Fiennes with the 3.8 rating from 1998. That was a fokken car crash of a movie. In this one, Nick Fury (old Smauel L) is the director of S.H.I.E.L.D.- the who’s who of Marvel Super Heroes which includes Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, Thor, Captain America, Hawkeye and Black Widow. Hawkeye, stop die lorrie!
- Iron Man 3 (takes place six months after The Avengers)
Tony Stark takes shots again from all angles. He gets fucked up by a terrorist called the Mandarin and he starts an odyssey of rebuilding and retribution. I think this is the one with the fuck loads of robots and CGI which made me very dizzy to the point of where I nearly threw up outside my mouth.
- Thor: Dark World (post-Avengers, pre-Ultron)
Excuse me? Dark Elves want to plunge the universe into darkness? Here, have a 6.9 rating…
- Captain America: Winter Soldier (post-Avengers, pre-Ultron)
Old Cap’n Steve is a bit of an old soul and is battling with modern times. Cell phones? Literally can’t deal. Also, he has to fight an oke called Winter Soldier. I sukkeled with this one, to be honest.
- Guardians of the Galaxy (sometime in 2014)
This one is also in my top 5. Jokes and one-liners galore! Pllenty of action! I am Groot! Afrikaans is Groot se fokken ma! Plus that little trashpanda has some serious fokken houding.
- Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (after Guardians)
The Guardian are kakking off a bit. They are struggling to function as a unit and there are family issues to boot. Star-Lord’s encounter with his father causes kak, for instance…
- Avengers: Age of Ultron (takes place in 2015)
Iron Man and Hulk need to kick start a peacekeeping program called Ultron. As expected, things turn out quite kak.
- Ant-Man (takes place in 2015)
I love Paul Rudd in any movie he has ever made. What a guy! Like the name of the movie suggests, he can go kak small with his kief suit. But he can also go super large and at the same time his strength increases. Like a a shitload. What a fun movie! Maak kak!
- Captain America: Civil War (post-Ultron, pre-Infinity War)
I actually just realized that Captain America is my least favorite superhero. In this installment, political involvement in the Avengers’ affairs causes a moere rift between Captain America and Iron Man. Fokken yawn, bra!
- Spider-Man: Homecoming (post-Civil War, pre-Infinity War)
Spiderman in high school. This was actually pretty watchable as it is not as serious as some of the movies later down the series.
- Doctor Strange (takes place in 2016)
A brilliant neurosurgeon, played by Benedict Cucumber Patch is drawn into the world of the mystic arts. This one also gave me a bit a motion sickness but it was still a lekker movie.
- Black Panther (takes place in 2017)
Welcome to Wakanda, which looks very suspiciously like Botswana, the Kruger Park or Pretoria North when they’ve had a kief rainy season. T’Challa must lead his peeps to a new future but at the same time deal with some needy turdcake who wants to ascent to the throne. This movie is probably exactly how Americans imagine Africa, but like with fuckloads more tech and a lot less load shedding and rhino poaching.
- Thor: Ragnarok (post-Ultron, pre-Infinity War)
This time Thor is not banished, but imprisoned on the planet Sakaar and a lot of shit goes down. The movie is damn hilarious at times. Even if you just watch it for Jeff Goldblum’s role. This was a a lot of fun!
- Avengers: Infinity War (takes place in 2017)
Thanos. What a cunt. Everybody dies.
- Ant-Man and The Wasp (ambiguous, but fits nicely between IW and Endgame)
I see these movies as more of a fun distraction rather than seriously contributing to the main story-line. They are heaps of fun! I can’t even remember what happens in this one. I think Paul Rudds wife or girlfriend becomes The Wasp. They go big and small and fly around and fuck shit up proper.
- Avengers: Endgame (starts in 2017, finishes in 2022)
This saga follows the events after everybody died in Infinity War. Thanos is still a big poes. I am in love with Brie Larson. And Scarlett Johansson. And Evangeline Lilly. And Paul Rudd. They fuck shit up.
- Spider-Man: Far From Home (post-Endgame)
Following the events of Avengers: Endgame (2019), Spider-Man has some pretty big fokken shoes to fill. I can’t tell you who’s shoes those are, because then I will basically spoil everything by telling you who died in Infinity War when everyone on earth died.
Head over to
the Plumlist for our top 10 pick of the week. See what you can stream in South Africa and go pick your winners.
|#10 Why SOA virgins and fans will love Mayans MC
t’s one thing learning to ride a bike. It’s another being part of a biker gang who thrive on beers, brawls and breaking the law.
| #9 Four languages and one location make Criminal a TV first
Netflix’s new police procedural, Criminal, embraces minimalism with the fervour of a recent Marie Kondo convert, and, boy, does it spark joy.
| On Netflix
|#8 The most depraved killers in 13 seasons of Criminal Minds – and 6 times our heroes almost died
Fourteen seasons, 314 episodes – it’s not an understatement to say this crime procedural series is a ratings hit for CBS.
| On Showmax
| #7 M-Net Sunday Night Movies for October 2019
Don’t stress if you miss the movie on Sunday night – it will be available to stream every week on the DStv Now app at your own leisure. Here are the movies coming in October.
|On DStv Now
| #6 Taraji P Henson’s triple threat: 3 must-watch titles
Paraji P Henson has captured the hearts of many, whether she’s playing your favourite character on screen or strutting the red carpet in designs that have wowed the fashion world.
| #5 The best series coming to Showmax in 2019
From returning favourites to newbies hot from the US, these will be the series everyone will be talking about in 2019.
| #4 HBO’s His Dark Materials to launch in SA in November 2019
Fans of fantasy fiction will be familiar with Philip Pullman’s magnificent trilogy of novels called His Dark Materials. A movie based on the first book The Golden Compass came out in 2007, but it didn’t live up to expectations. Now, the BBC has produced a lavish eight-episode series, which will be available only on Showmax from 5 November 2019.
| On Showmax
| #3 Who was Bumpy Johnson, the Godfather of Harlem?
Those who live by the sword don’t always die by it. Bumpy Johnson didn’t, succumbing to a heart attack instead, age 62, while having breakfast with some friends.
|On DStv Now & Showmax
| #2 Catch up on these 7 long-running series before streaming the final seasons on DStv Now
These fan-favourite shows are about to bow out of our lives for good – but before they do, make sure you’re up to date by streaming previous seasons on internet TV.
| On Showmax & DStv Now
| #1 Meet the cast of Trackers
On 27 October 2019, the first 90-minute episode of Trackers will land on M-Net at 20:05. Yes, you read correctly – in the slot that’s usually reserved for the Sunday Night Movie!
| On Showmax
Our randomized trailer pick of the week
Each week we take a number from 1 to 10 from our list of suggestions and put it through a randomizer to choose a trailer to show you. This week it landed on our number 10 spot, Mayans M.C.
Set in a post-Jax Teller world of Sons of Anarchy, “Mayans MC” sees EZ Reyes, a former golden boy now fresh out of prison, as a prospect in the Mayan MC charter on the California-Mexico border who must carve out his new outlaw identity.
So far I’m really getting into this new series!
Net soos dit moeilik raak om musiek te maak wat outentiek en “nuut” klink, net so uitdagend word dit om reviews te skryf wat oorspronklik is en ‘n substantiewe boodskap kan oordra. Ek voel of ek al die uitdrukkings, cool idees en woorde wat my brein mee vorendag kan kom al opgebruik het. Autotune my reviews? Social media het meer van ‘n vloek as ‘n seën geword deesdae. Jirre, hoeveel van dieselfde kosfototjies, geprogrameerde herinneringe, check-ins by restaurante, selfies wat ge-photoshop is, herwinde meme grappietjies en clichéd wyshede kan jy konstant in jou brein forseer voor jy wil kots? Dit maak mense regoor die planeet depressief en angstig. “I’m living with the black dog, a dark and savage beast. I try my best to tame him, but I keep him on a leash. I got turn tables and microphones for all the voices in my head. I can play a mean guitar, but rock and roll is dead.” Hoekom soek mense validation op Facebook en Instagram as hulle lewens dan so perfek is?
Die tunes op hierdie album is catchy pop, alternative en reggae. Die lirieke is nie eintlik bedoel vir vlak en dom mense nie en dis nie maklik om in ‘n boksie te druk nie. Op die oppervlakte klink dit na fun, nostalgiese musiek maar daar is baie dieper undertones en vrae oor die moderne samelewing wat of blatant gesing word of wegkruip tussen die lyne, reg om jou te oorval op ‘n random Dinsdagmiddag. “Wake up! You’re stuck in a dream!” Hoekom bevraagteken meer mense nie die “normaliteit” van die stapelgek wêreld waarin ons leef nie? “Hello, can anyone hear me? I’m looking for sanity, in a world that’s gone mad”.
Digitale integrasie het ons lewens en menseverhoudinge heeltemaal oorgeneem. Gee niemand om dat ons finaal elke aspek van ons lewens verkoop het aan die corporate masjien nie? Couch activism? What a joke. Negatiewe trolle. Been there, done that. Boelies? Fok net plein weg! Is mense so verslaaf daaraan on hulle mediocre lewens oor en oor te verkoop as opwindende dat hulle blind staan teenoor hoe dit ons langtermyn affekteer? Al hoe minder mense koop dit, by the way. Dit wat jy post om FOMO te vermy verdrink anyway net in ‘n see van die nuwe middelmatigheid. Hoe real is ons digital lewens? Jou 5 Seconds of Fame is nou meer soos ‘n sekonde lank.
Spot Daaf Vapor met die status quo of lewer hy net kommentaar? Albei, dink ek. Oorbeklemtoon social media die negatiewe goed soos korrupsie en misdaad? Meer as in die ou printed media en TV van ouds? Raak ons gevoelloos teenoor al die posts van ons helde wat elke dag sterf? “All of my heroes are dead, they quietly slipped away”. Die titelsnit Northam Lights is ‘n Pink Floydian psychedelic hat-tip na daai eertydse rock festival op die plaas waarheen niemand hierdie jaar toe kon gaan nie. Daaf Vapor gee ‘n paar oplossings vir al die probleme waaroor hy sing. Net in die songs It’s a nice Day for Freedom en Tribe eintlik. Geniet die planeet en buitelewe. Wees life vir jou bure. Soek weer jou tribe. Mense wat saakmaak. Take back control of your life. Die regte lewe en die digitale een is nie veronderstel om te verskil nie. Persoonlik, filter ek al die bullshit clutter wat mense aan my try afsmeer deesdae…
Kontak gerus vir Daaf Vapor by Daafvapor@gmail.com vir kakpraat, komplimente, belonings en bookings.
Natasha Khan, professionally known as Bat for Lashes, is a very talented singer, songwriter and multi-instrumentalist from London. On Saturday, June 23 back in 2012, she was on the bill to perform live on stage at Southside Festival in Germany. It is an alternative music festival which has been going strong for 20 years and back in 2012 attracted a crowd of just over 50,000 attendees. If you’re not familiar with Bat For Lashes‘ music, have a look at one of her music videos to get an idea of her voice and vibe:
Kind of soothing, right? Unfortunately for Natasha Kahn, the cunts known as Die Antwoord was also performing at Southside Festival on the same day and on the same stage (Red Stage) out of the possible four stages. Bad luck of the draw, hey? However, she had a premium time slot at 20:30, while Die Antwoord had an afternoon slot at 16:00. This could possibly explain Yo-Landi’s extremely childish and jealous behavior on that day, as we came across a post in a photography forum from back in Agust, 2012 – just under two months after the festival took place in Germany:
I lost all respect for Die Antwoord after witnessing their antics backstage in catering at Southside Festival in Germany earlier this year.
A female vocalist was in her dressing room warming her voice. The dressing rooms were directly below the catering balcony where Die Antwoord were eating. This chick, whoever it was, must have been up next on the bill as her vocal warm-ups were in full swing, consistent and loud. The entire dining area could easily hear her and it sounded kinda nice, so I thought anyway. Yo-Landi Vi$$er, the female vocalist from Die Antwoord apparently thought differently:
She starts yelling, more accurately; squealing (if you’ve seen their show you will agree) into the air at the top of her voice:
Shut the **** up!!
You can’t sing for ****, you absolutely SUCK!!!
You know the entire place can hear you?
And you ****ing suck, so shut the **** up!
For ****s sake!!
The chick downstairs did stop, and then the entire catering went into a complete hush, bewildered at what had just happened.
Die Antwoord – with that one outburst of umness, it is YOU that suck!
This anecdote doesn’t come from just some random festival goer. His name is Benon Koebsch and he is a professional international music, band portraits & tour photographer from Australia. I went through his website and his portfolio includes bands such as AC/DC, Alice in Chains, Anthrax, Avenged Sevenfold, Blink 182, Cannibal Corpse, Clutch, The Cult, Deftones and Die Antwoord. We’re stopping right here, but go check out the complete list of international acts which he has captured so far. It is very impressive. It also speaks of some level of professionalism because not every idiot with a camera gets granted access to festivals and get to operate on this kind of level and close proximity to artists.
The incident in Germany took place, not even three months after Die Antwoord attacked Andy Butler at the Future Music Festival in Adelaide, Australia. Fast forward another two months in 2012 after Southside Fesitval in Germany, to Voodoo Fest in New Orleans. Two people who seem to be involved in the music industry had this to say about Ninja and Yolandi:
I’ll never forget that shit. Ninja was walking around naked back stage too trying to fight us they were total assholes
— Str∞ly (@Strooly) August 21, 2019
By now you should be familiar with Benjay Crossman, so I reached out to him to get his recollection from the incident in Germany at Southside Festival:
“I drew some hearts with a marker on the band sign on the door of Bat For Lashes. I liked her band. Twenty minutes later I was walking past and said hello. She asked me straight up if I was the one who drew the hearts on their sign and I confirmed it. We chatted for a bit and then I asked permission to take a photo of her, as there was a super strict “no photo policy” in the artists area. Around twenty minutes after that, I was sitting upstairs with Yo-Landi, Ninja and Richard (our lighting guy). We listened to the beautiful vocals coming from down below. Yo-Landi absolutely hates it when other woman get more attention than her, so she started yelling at Bat For Lashes from our table. After Yo-Landi yelled all that crap, Leo Herrera, our tour manager, came up to tell her that the organizers were upset and just laid a complaint. Yo-Landi just tries to cause shit and drama to get the attention and act all punk.”
Oh and I asked Ben if he perhaps had some video footage of the incident on that big old hard drive of his.
Look at how Yo-Landi looks around and at the camera for approval for her really ‘awesome’ and ‘funny’ behavior.
It is really fokken embarrassing, this craving for attention and acceptance:
I like how Yo-landi adds “A bit of the old Jesse..”, referring to Aaron Paul’s character, Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad. Ninja has forever been trying to reach out to Vince Gilligan, the writer of Breaking Bad, to direct his (Ninja’s) Zef TV series. We all know what that turned into – some Xhosa dude with a balaclava wrapped in a blanket, saying whatever shit Ninja needs him to say.
This one sentence from Ben’s recollection kind of stood out and sums up a big part of Yo-Landi’s personality – the low self-esteem part:
Yo-Landi absolutely hates it when other woman get more attention than her
Go look at the Bats For Lashes video video again. Natasha Kahn has heaps of talent. It is understandable that Yo-Landi felt threatened by her voice and her warming up routine.
Another example? When Yo-Landi turned 30 back in 2012, she had a birthday party in the poor Jobhannesburg hood of Fietas at Slapchip’s house (one of the guys from the Rich Bitch music video) on Friday the 30th of November. Yo-Landi’s birthday is on the 1st of December (1982), so it makes sense that she would have partied past midnight to celebrate her actual birthday, probably with champagne and Savannah – the only alcohol Yo-Landi drinks. Yo-Landi and Ninja don’t really have a lot of people they can call friends, because of the way they treat people around and close to them, so she invited a few guys from Fietas (like JP from the Baby’s On Fire music video which she dated for a while, you know, for the sake of their ‘art’) and Kezia – who was probably more of an employee than a friend, as she worked her ass off on all the music video sets for Die Antwoord, and here is a shot in the dark – dealing with their shitty behavior on set on a daily basis for months on end. Unfortunately for Yo-Landi, Lady Gaga performed at the FNB Stadium in Johannesburg on November 30 in 2012 and her friend Kezia, decided to go to the Lady Gaga stadium concert in stead of Yo-Landi’s birthday party in Fietas. I mean, who wouldn’t? A small birthday party in Fietas with a bunch of guys just sitting around, swearing, smoked out of their brackets, sound like a really, really lame party. To use a word that Ninja and Yo-Landi appropriated from the kids in Fietas – it sounds like it would have been a major dwanky party.
Yo-Landi saw this as the ultimate betrayal of friendship because deep down in her heart she truly for realy realzies believes that Lady Gaga is her sworn arch enemy. Just go look at all the stuff Ninja and Yo-Landi say about the pop icon who is a thousand times bigger and more successful than them. Go look at the video Die Antwoord made for Fatty Boom Boom where they make a prawn come out of Lady Gaga’s vagina as part of their story-line and diss. The biggest irony ever? Yo-Landi’s buddy, Kezia, worked on the Fatty Boom Boom video. Her name is in the credits. Yo-Landi completely lost her shit with her “friend”.
Some parting questions to ponder:
Was Yo-Landi jealous of Zheani all along?
Was Yo-Landi jealous of all the au pairs and child minders who got hired and fired?
The female managers?
Actresses in their music videos?
Ninja’s “thousands” of girlfriends?
Cast members of Chappie?