Protea fire became Protea fizzle. Sommer on day one of the #WCC2019!

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Yesterday’s performance of the Proteas against the 2019 World Cup Cricket hosts, England, reminded me of a nerdy, pimply teenager opening a box of condoms for the first time – clumsily fucking up the first few wrappers, tearing the condoms in the process and finally inflating the last two effies with his nose while stretching the lubricated mess over his forehead and ears. Even if he somehow did manage to pull it over his dick correctly the first time and get a boner, he would have nowhere to put that wood. Just like the Protea batsmen yesterday…

I don’t get it. England only managed to get 311 runs, so we bowled and fielded well enough. The required run rate wasn’t an impossible ask but South Africa was bowled out for a dismal 207 runs. It was the very first match of the Cricket World Cup 2019! Wat die fok, ouens?! England beat us by 107 runs at The Oval. Do you know how much 107 is as a margin? It is 21.4 times what Faf managed to score, because when Faf was standing on 5 runs, he tried to hook a ball by Archer. You don’t hook balls that early in a match. You hook them when you are in die fokken kak, my bra! Like at the middel to the end of the fokken game when you’re chasing a stressful score.
But Faf was not alone. All his tjommies were pulling effies over their heads. Dwaine Pretorius thought he was Duane “The Rock” Johnson because he tried to be a hero. He was run out in the most awkies fashion while he was trying to steal a second run when we really, really didn’t need that run, because we had all the overs in the world. We just had to keep our heads down and get stuck into the match. In fact, we had so many overs that we didn’t even use 10 overs and one ball:
“No thanks, we’ll take the 207! Can we get a doggy bag for the overs, please? Bietjie vol.”
*poep*

England didn’t really have to work hard for our wickets. They didn’t take it from us – it was more a case of the Proteas giving it away.
#NotSoSecretSanta

There were only three South African batsmen who really brought their milkshakes to the yard – Quinton De Kock (68), Rassie van der Dussen (50) and Andile Phehlukwayo (24) were the only three guys with #ProteaFire in the squad. They were the only okes managed to score more than 20 runs each. I feel very sorry for Andile, though. Shame man. We was doing really well but he became the victim of one the most spectacular catches in cricket history. Ben Stokes took a super-human, one-handed catch on the boundary off Adil Rashid’s delivery.

Jirre buddy, that was shit luck, hey? But what a fokken catch!

This now leaves the Proteas with a must-win situation when they take on Bangladesh at The Oval this Sunday. It will be their second match of this World Cup and they are already in the deep end.

Are they going to do their usual party trick and hang on for dear life to go home after the second last game of the World Cup? Or are they going to surprise us by sommer going home after the second game?

Die fok weet.

One thing that will be a sure bet this weekend, is our selection of top ten things to watch which we picked from the trusty old The Plumlist

 10 Where to watch the M-Net Sunday night movies in May
Stream movies like I Feel Pretty, Traffik, Hurricane Heist and Night School any day of the week on DStv Now.
On DStv Now
(read more)
 #9 David Tennant on how good it feels to play bad
We spoke to Good Omens star David Tennant about playing a demon in dress-up, the prescience of a 30-year-old book, and working with an extremely professional Antichrist.
On Amazon Prime
 On Amazon Prime
(read more)
#8 Gentleman Jack: The life and times of “the first modern lesbian”
This sumptuous British series is based on the hidden diaries of the real-life Anne Lister, who wrote about her sexuality in a secret code of her own design.
 On Showmax
(read more)
 #7 The devil’s in the details – and these details are hot as hell
When FOX cancelled Lucifer after three seasons, fans were not happy. We now owe a huge debt of gratitude to Netflix, which swooped in on leathery wings and whipped up a – slightly shorter – fourth season. 
On Netflix
(read more)
 #6 The end of the world, but with witches, cannibalism and witty one-liners
American Horror Story Season 8 is in full, glorious swing in a world ravaged by nuclear winter.
 On DStv Now
(read more)
 #5 The Expanse: Like Game of Thrones but set in space
As with GoT, The Expanse does not cut any corners in its world building, which includes well-crafted mythologies, a complex set of alliances, and a realistic rendering of what the solar system might look in the 23rd Century. Described by one critic as “the best sci-fi show you’re not watching”, The Expanse presents a realistic view of a potential future that we witness through the eyes of two reluctant protagonists.
 On Netflix
(read more)
 #4 Hollywood’s lucky number: the best films with 7 in the title

 On Showmax & Netflix
(read more)
 #3 Fleabag is back and it’s a hot mess on avo toast. We love it.

She tries to be good. She works out. Attends excruciating family gatherings. And she’s met a nice man. But she has no idea how to life a good life, really.

On Amazon Prime
(read more)
 #2 Barry’s back for a second act
Starring Bill Hader in an Emmy-winning role as the war vet-turned-hitman-turned-wannabe-actor, this HBO comedy has been hailed as ”a must-see tour-de-force”.
 On Showmax
(read more)
 #1.Vote Veep: Make comedy great again
It’s been seven years since we first met Selina Meyer, the selfish, bungling and ambitious vice president of the United States. In Veep’s final season, Meyer is still selfish, bungling and more ambitious than ever.
 On Showmax
(read more)

Our randomized trailer pick of the week

Each week we take a number from 1 to 10 from our list of suggestions and put it through a randomizer to choose a trailer to show you. This week it landed on our number 2 spot, Barry. In stead of showing you the trailer, have a look at his comedy genius, then head back over to Showmax to see him in a totally different role – a hit-man:

griffinProtea fire became Protea fizzle. Sommer on day one of the #WCC2019!

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