Die Anakonda

Ingestuur deur Llewellyn


I am a father. So, sometimes I need to do stuff that fathers do. In the old days, it was marbles and tolle and ketties. Things have changed.

So two weeks ago,  the fucking bright sparks over the road here,whispered the words "GOLD REEF CITY" into my laaities ears,and what can you do. You go to GRC.

Ok, so i checked the website…nananana, looks like piss. Hier en daar n fokken ride or two and I wanted to go down the mine. So ek trek my plakkies aan, kam my hare, and off we go.

We got there early. Ek kap manhaftig twee worsbroodjies weg en n halfliter melk, and followed my son to the first ride…called Runaway Train.

We get on, and I thought these things were for kids and stuff and off it went. I did not like it. It was going sideways and shit and I was queasy when I got off.

What bothered me though was the sound coming from behind me somewhere. Dit klink soos 'n fokken boeing wat land. And then I saw it. Big signwriting…ANAFOKKENCONDA.

I had to keep face. I wear the pants in this family. Ek maak my arms bak, en ek loop fier en regop teen die dekplank op. Ek gaan die donner ry, what can go wrong?

 There was a queue and the fuckup with that is – you can see what the thing does to people.

When it came in the second time and a young student dude met spiere waar ek voue het got out and kots oor die reling, toe weet ek, my kak is uitgeknip vir my.

Then it was our turn. Jono chickened out, BUT my wife was checking me out. This is where you have to be nonchalant and manly. I kept my chin up en my hol toegeknyp.

You get into this thing and you hang. The safety bar didn't want to go over my hoenderborsie, so I pulled a Ville Valo, and made myself thin, and hooked a clip too close….I think.

KLANG KLANG KLANG KLANG….en kom ons fok nie rond nie….skielik is ek so bang dat ek n bliksemse nieraanval kry…..

Dan draai die etterse ding en dan……POES HY NA BENEDE….MET DIE SPOED VAN DIE HEILIGE FOKKEN WIT ELAND.

I shit you not – forget any car, bike, plane or whatever the fuck you measure your manliness by – it accelerated like nothing I have ever felt.

But if this wasn't enough, gaan donner die ding onderstebo met jou. I feel the worsrolletjie. No wait, I feel the texture of the worsrolletjie, every fucking fibre of the worsrolletjie.

Kerels, we came out that first loop met die spoed van fokken wit lig. I wanted it to stop. I havent prayed in 22 years….I  did then. We levelled out and then it hit the second loop. Shorter radius than the first. Ons fok daardeur en ek verloor my plakkie. Onderstebo and then around 2 flat corners wa ek 10 jaar ouer word  and then….the fucking thing corkscrewed. Kllits daai fokken broodjie en die melk laat dit lyk soos daai kak wat jy oor bobotie gooi, and another en fok dit, toe skree ek soos 'n Namibiese vlakte vlermuis wat se sonar gekak het.

And into the station at 200kmh, and just for shits and giggles, they stop it in 10m flat.

I just sat there. Stunned,and my wife is oooh and aaaahing, en lets-go-againing….sy moet haar jags hou.

It fucked my whole day up.

Deel met jou tjommies!
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25 Comments

  1. J
    Posted February 23, 2011 at 4:16 pm | Permalink

    llewellyn kan bly wees Tower of Terror werk nie…. amper 90 grade reguit in die grond in… die anaconda maak niks aan my nie maar Tower of Terror het my met mooi briek merke gelos

  2. PonkieDiel
    Posted February 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm | Permalink

    Dis daai tipe goed wat maak dat jy voor in jou eie hemp kak

  3. Dirk Diggler Diktros
    Posted February 23, 2011 at 7:16 pm | Permalink

    Neem sewe skroewedraaiers (die vodka-tipe jul stoute naaiers), ses John Daniels' (as jy hom so lank soos party ken, roep jy hom enige naam), vyf Ritmeester Seniors – as jy nie weet wat dit is nie jou dowwe kont, kwalifiseer jy vir n doen die tarantula by Sun City sonner die sledge, neem vier appelkoosmampoer met strooitjies deur jou neus, kap drie Havana Banana's, slaan twee dieptebomme en maak klaar met n females revenge.  Met dit as ontbyt om agt, bestyg die ligte wipplank by Ushaka Marine World.  Jy sal n heerlike enema geniet wat die boeket in jou maag venuftig saggies sal masseer en effe rol tot n reeks rippel ryp windbrakies wat wel wild kan proe, maar jy sal dit n duisend keer oor wil doen, veral tot die soutwater by jou hol in, deur jou lopende vloeistofontbyt, en bietjies, bietjies in jou mond borrel in n heerlike bouket tittelerende smake en daar selfs daardie stroompie by die neus uitbiggel wat so lekker smaak.  Komaan span, wie's man, en wies muis ?  DDD

  4. Rol-model
    Posted February 24, 2011 at 12:07 am | Permalink

    @Ponkiediel Hahahaha!!!

  5. Gas
    Posted February 24, 2011 at 12:44 am | Permalink

    Dankie Soutpiel.
    He tlanklaas so leker gelag.

  6. llewellyn
    Posted February 24, 2011 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    ek kotz wel so graag in my mond…..mmmmmm hahaha

  7. Vuilduif
    Posted February 24, 2011 at 1:12 pm | Permalink

    Selfde effek as jy dronk oor Chapman's Peak probeer ry om by die happy hour by Pakalolo uit te kom.

  8. Vuilduif
    Posted February 24, 2011 at 1:13 pm | Permalink

    Laas keer toe ek so gevoel het was dit toe ek probeer het om so vinnig as moontlik, dronk, oor Chapman's Peak te ry om by die Happy Hour by Pakalolo uit te kom.

  9. Vuilduif
    Posted February 24, 2011 at 1:15 pm | Permalink

    Daar's baie geleenthede waar mens so kan voel. Byvoorbeeld as jy dronk oor Chapman's Peak probeer ry om so gou as moontlik by die Happy Hour by Pakalolo uit te kom. Of so hoor ek.

  10. Vuilduif
    Posted February 24, 2011 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    Flood in die publiek. Classic! Of hoe, Willie?

  11. Byna Bottel Blond
    Posted February 24, 2011 at 1:22 pm | Permalink

    Daar gaat my lunch ook!!!!! Moerse snaaks!

  12. Zepher
    Posted February 24, 2011 at 2:48 pm | Permalink

    Ekt al myself begin piss toe hy sy plakkies aantrek en hare kam.

  13. kwassie
    Posted February 25, 2011 at 7:13 am | Permalink

    val 3.5 km in die koue lug uit i vliegtuig uit met i valskerm aan jou lyf en voel hoe dit voel as die tower of terror vashaak en vir 35sekondes aanhou grond toe val. al waaraan jy kan vashou is jou eie saad sakkie en hoop die valskerm gaan oop as jy die koord trek!

  14. Iemand Anders
    Posted February 25, 2011 at 9:19 am | Permalink

    Die Anaconda was nog die lekkerste ride waarop ek al was :)
    Excellent Artikel.

  15. Posted February 25, 2011 at 11:28 am | Permalink

    Jare terug toe ek nog jonk, jags en jeukerig was gaan ek en 'n meisie, kom ons noem haar sommer Tiete du Toit, na Pretoria skou. Die fokken girl praat my toe om dat ons die figure 8 moet ry. In 'n oombillik van intense onnosselgeit stem ek toe in. Toe daardie fokken trein wegtrek en deur sy loops gaan kom sy so bietjies-bietjies van opgewondenheid terwyl ek bid-huil-burp-katskiet-gil-kak-kots-stuipebeleef-poep-windbreuk-opblaas-gil-beswyk-herrys. Alles in een.
    Noodeloos om te sê: Einde van die verhouding.

  16. Posted February 26, 2011 at 9:51 am | Permalink

    Jare gelede saam met AliceD PTA skou se rides sat gery, beste dag ooit!! Hulle moet net so elke 50 jaar die rides update ook asb. die goed raak nou regtig afgesaag.

  17. Prof. Bokdrol
    Posted February 26, 2011 at 11:14 am | Permalink

    Attie, het jy darem 'n vaarwel-naai gekry?

  18. S
    Posted February 27, 2011 at 9:37 pm | Permalink

    Fokken Awesome hehehehehehe article

  19. kakhuis
    Posted February 28, 2011 at 9:13 am | Permalink

    @Iemand Anders: ja die motion van die ocean… as n girl so op 'n ou se anakonda sit en wieg dan kots hulle binnekort van tripple G's trek

  20. Posted February 28, 2011 at 2:07 pm | Permalink

    Dagsê Prof. Baie dankie dat U so omgee vir my gesondheid met die vraag. Jip ek het haar nog so rukkie genaai maar dit het later fokken baie "foreplay" geneem. En uiteindelik die staduim bereik waar ek later besef het om die poes ge-olie te kry is te veel inspanning. Sy het my so 18 jaar later weer gekontak en toe naai ons so finale enetjie (Buite die eg)
    Ek belowe bg. is die reine fokken waarheid. Mag my tril afval as ek lieg.

  21. Prof. Bokdrol
    Posted March 8, 2011 at 6:11 pm | Permalink

    Llewellyn, after this little episode they are renaming it "Gold Reef Shitty" in your honour!

  22. Posted March 11, 2011 at 8:15 pm | Permalink
  23. MrSouth69
    Posted May 15, 2011 at 10:31 am | Permalink

    ek het lanklaas so lekker gelag thanx

  24. sss
    Posted July 25, 2011 at 2:59 pm | Permalink

    fok ek het lank laas so fokken lekker gelag

  25. Posted July 26, 2011 at 5:19 am | Permalink

    It’s 5am can’t sleep, reading blogs, stumbled on this one. Laughed and snorted so hard I woke my husband up. Thanks for a really good time, enjoyed every second…….

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