Ninja and Yo-landi speaking. Fok, we are actually a bit worried here.
DJ Hi-Tek has been missing for 6 days now. The last time DJ Hi-Tek went missing it was for 3 days.
Then one tuesday morning at 5 am Ninja’s mom woke him up to tell him that DJ Hi-Tek has come to visit. Ninja was a bit pissed off about getting woken up so early but he was also happy that DJ Hi-Tek was alive! Hi-Tek came into Ninja’s room and sat on the bottom of his bed with a glazed, far-away look in his eyes. He was fuckin dirty and smelled like a camp-fire mixed with a bergie. Ninja asked Hi-Tek where the hell he had been and Hi-Tek proceeded to tell Ninja the weirdest story Ninja had ever heard:
“Bru, you won’t believe what just happened to me! Last week I bought these magic mushrooms from the weird skinny guy with long blonde hair and a beard called The Elf.
I bought 3 bankies from him bru! The Elf told me they were fuckin strong bru, but he said cos I’m big I could probably chow like 1 whole bankie on my own. The Elf also said it’s best to eat the shrooms with yoghurt. And my gran bought this like, massive 1 liter ‘CUSTARD AND STEWED FRUIT’ yoghurt from Pick n Pay. And it tasted so fuckin nice bru and I couldn’t stop eating it! So I was chilling in my room making this new beat and I was eating more and more of this yoghurt mixed with shrooms bru! But the when I looked down I didn’t even notice that I had eaten all three bankies bru! And this new fuckin beat I was making was tripping me out so bad bru! And I stood up and I started raving so hard in my room for like 3 hours until I couldn’t fuckin handle it anymore bru! And I just climbed out my window and started running!
I ran and I ran and I ran! And then in front of me I saw Table Mountain bru and I thought, I have to get up onto the top of that mountain bru! The mountain was calling me bru! So I ran towards the mountain as fast as I could but I almost had a fuckin heart-attack bru! I thought I was going to die! Then I realized that I wasn’t that fit and Iay down on the side of the road and I was breathing so fuckin hectically! And I couldn’t get enough air inside me bru, and I kept thinking, fuck I’m going to die! And my heart was beating so fuckin hard at the exact same BPM as the rave beat I was busy making in my room, and I could still hear the rave beat playing inside my head bru!
Then I turned my head to the side as I lay on the pavement and I saw the rave beat was actually coming from this taxi that was coming closer and closer to me! The big sticker on the front of the taxi said
‘3 MISSED CALLS’ and I knew it was some kind of code that meant I was supposed to get inside that taxi bru. So I stood up and the taxi came to me bru. When the taxi door opened the door I told the rasta with no front teeth that I have no money but I really need to get to the mountain! The rasta said it’s irie, and that I could get a ride for free if I give him my phone. So I gave it to him and climbed into the taxi. The people in the taxi were speaking in Xhosa and I could fuckin understand them bru! Then the taxi took me to the bottom of Table Mountain bru and when I got out the taxi the rasta gave me an orange and said ‘Jah guide!’ So I put the orange in my pocket and started missioning up the mountain bru. And it started getting dark just as I started climbing bru! And it took lank fuckin long to get up there! It was fuckin difficult bru, I just climbed and climbed and climbed! It felt like I was in a video game. And check, on my way I collected these stones bru!”
DJ Hi-Tek reached inside the pockets of his dirty jeans and started putting a pile of dirty stones on Ninja’s bed.
“The more stones you get the more points you get bru! If you get enough points you get more energy! And I could feel my energy getting more and more bru! I was just going faster and faster bru! But it was getting fuckin dark and I couldn’t see where I was fuckin going bru!
But then as I picked up this one stone I scored an extra special bonus point and the moon came out the side of the mountain bru!
But then my mouth started getting lank dry and my lips started sticking together and I started getting freaked out cos I started seeing things hiding in the bushes and they were watching me bru! And they knew! They knew about me bru! Then I fuckin looked down and I saw my leg was deformed! And it had this massive ball growing out the side of it bru! And I fuckin freaked I tried to rip this thing off! And then I felt it was the orange that the rasta gave me. That orange tasted so fuckin nice bru! It was the best orange I have ever tasted in my life! And I felt so charged bru that I just started running up the mountain fuckin fast!
I ran all night bru till I reached the top of the mountain! Then I looked down at my feet and I saw I was walking on white sand and in front of me was a big dark lake, on top of the mountain bru! Then I heard this snap behind me and I swung around I saw this fuckin huge mountain goat standing in front of me! It was nearly as big as a fuckin horse bru with big fuckin horns! And I totally freaked out and I grabbed some of the bonus stones in my pocket and I threw them hard at the mountain goat and I started screaming, Aaaaaaargggh!!!
Ninja told DJ Hi-Tek to fuckin chill and speak softer or he’s going to wake up his mom up again.
“And I beat the mountain goat bru! I won! It ran away! And right then I knew I ‘d finished the first level bru! Then I took off my shoes and I walked into the dark lake and started drinking cos I was so fuckin thirsty bru! And I drank so much water bru! I just drank and drank and drank! But then I felt those things watching me in the dark again and I screamed at them! Fuck off! Just leave me alone! Aaaaarghhh!”
Ninja told Hi-Tek to shut the fuck up again and speak softer or he was going to hit him.
“Then the fuckin weirdest thing happened bru! All of a sudden thousands of these horrible little fuckin brown dassies that were watching me in the dark started screeching and running away from me like a giant swarm of cockroaches! There were like so many of them bru! These fuckin evil little freaky things that look like like rats but much fuckin bigger, just swarming and swarming and swarming away from me bru! I didn’t know where they were coming from bru! I think they were hiding under the white sand! Then! The weirdest thing of all happens! While all these little brown dassies are swarming away from me screeching, this one big white dassie with red eyes starts walking towards me on it’s back legs like a man! And as it gets closer I get this feeling that this thing is not actually a dassie bru! And I suddenly realize that it’s like, this alien energy disguising itself as a dassie bru! And as I thought this, this thing suddenly changed shape and I could see it’s true form bru! This thing was like, this long skinny dark flame thing just hovering in front of me bru! I was fuckin freaked out bru! And I knew it wasn’t the shrooms! This thing was fuckin real bru! I tried to scream at it but I couldn’t make any noise come out my mouth bru! Then fuck! This black energy thing just attacked me bru! And it felt like I’d stuck my finger in a plug and it was shocking me and shocking me over and over! And I could feel that this thing was trying to get inside me bru! And I fell on the ground jerking! And the shocking was going through my brain and I couldn’t do anything and I just fuckin blanked out bru!
Then I felt this warm light on my face and I opened my eyes and I saw the sun rising. And I sat up and I saw I was covered in all this white sand bru! And I saw the water in the dark lake next to me was like, this dark red colour like Coke bru. Then I felt something standing behind me and I turned around and I saw this little bushman with no clothes on, just this little leather thong-thing and stick. And the little bushman started speaking to me in clicks and I totally understood what he was saying bru! The little bushman told me that I had wrestled with a demon and that the demon was trying to possess me and eat my soul bru! He told me that he found me just in time and that he chased the demon away. I asked the bushman how he knows all this stuff and he told me that he knows everything bru! So I asked him if he can give me advice with my music bru! Then the bushman told me that the Fruity Loops program I use is wack and that I should switch to Sound Forge bru! I asked him how I could get the Sound Forge program but he said he can’t help me with this. He said I’m on my own now bru!
Then the little bushman hit me fuckin hard on the head with the stick and walked off bru! Then I walked back down the mountain and I came here bru. I didn’t want to go to my grannies house cos I wanted ask you if my pupil’s still look massive.”
Ninja told DJ Hi-Tek that he still looked heavy fuckin fried and that he should maybe have a shower and smoke a joint to chill out. Then Ninja let DJ Hi-Tek sleep at his house for the whole day. That evening DJ Hi-Tek went home, ripped a copy of Sound Forge off the interweb and made a song called BEAT BOY.
So fuck if anyone checks DJ Hi-Tek please tell him to phone us ASAP!
We working on this new track called FISH PASTE and we really want to pump it out AS soon AS bru! Hi-Tek! Enough is enough bru! Stop fucking around! People are emailing us every fuckin day about this track my bru! You said we could finish it on Monday! It’s fuckin Friday tomorrow bru! Jissis! Let’s fuckin do this! Please! Fokkit.
oor en fokken uit!
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