Nigerian weekly #4

In Snotstories deur griffinRek jou bek

O poes, dis Donnerdag en hierie koerant moet op Vrydae uitkom. Moenie worry nie. Hierie uitgawe is so kak, hy tel nie eers nie. Soos daai mense wat so kerk toe gaan op Sondae nadat hulle die buurvrou gezaber het en met die mense met die golf posbus oorkant die pad se kinders en huisbediende karring. Karring tot die murg uit die pype spat. -kug-

Alles is bietjie fokken deurmekaar hierie week en daar was nie tyd vir koerant lees of daai kak local TV stasie, NTA te kyk nie. Toe skiem ek maar om so paar van die conversations met julle te deel. Die Nigrian Weekly is actually hierie week verniet vir Jurie ook, maar dit beteken nie hy's nie 'n poes nie.

Julle het al van hierie gesprekke dalk in SA ook gehoor, soos as jy gaan petrol ingooi:
Jy: "Hello, R50 unleaded asseblief."
Petrolparra: "Ek moet hom volmaak?"
J: "Nee, R50 unleaded asseblief."
P: "Super?"
J: "Unleaded asseblief. Luister jy nie as mens praat nie?"
P: "Oh. OK."

Hy gooi Super in.

Ja wat, check maar die volgende uit.

Common gesprekke wat jy in Nigerië hoor.

(1)
RS: "Room servie, good evening"
G: "Good evening. I would like to place an order for drinks please."
RS: "Excuse me sir?"
G: "I'd like to place in order please."
RS: "How is your day sir?"
G: "Fine, I would like to order now."
RS: "Your day is not good?"
G: "Listen to me. I want to order drinks, please"
RS: "What you want sir?"
G: "I want four Gulders please."
RS: "You want cripsy chicken?"
G: "No crispy chicken. I want beer. Four Gulder. You are not listening to me."
RS: "Or you want Star?"
G: "OK, bring me four Star. But it must be cold."
RS: "It must be Gulder?"
G: "Whatever."
– click – (hulle bring 2x warm biere en 2x Fanta Orange)

(2)
RS: "Room service good evening."
G: "Who is speaking"
RS: "It is David sir."
G: "David, I have no water to take a bath."
RS: "You want me to bring you mineral?"
G: "David, you are not listening to me. I have to bath. I'm going to be late for work."
RS: "Oh, the tap is not rushing?"
G: "No, the tap is not rushing. I want to bath."
RS: "I will send for technician sir."
G: "Whatever."
-click-

(3)
RS: "Hallo? Hallo?"
-click-

(3.1) RS: "Room service, Tina speaking."
G: "Good day Tina, how are you?"
RS: "Sir?"
G: "Nevermind. I please want today's newspaper."
RS: "What do you want to do with it sir?"
G: "I want to put it on my ugly wall, because I have no pictures. I want to read it, what do you think?"
RS: "Ok. Sir, we don't have newspaper."
-click-

(4)
RS: "Room service. Tina on da line, how may I help?"
G: "I would like to order crispy chicken and chips please."
RS: "Sir, we don't have cripsy to make the chicken."
G: "What?"
RS: "We don't have cripsy."
G: "Do you have chicken?"
RS: "Yes."
G: "Then bring me normal chicken."
RS: "You want chips sir?"
G: "Yes please"
-click-
40 minute later het ek nog steeds nie kos nie en bel hulle.
G: "What happened to my food?"
RS: "Sir, we don't have chicken."
G: "But for fuck's sake, why do you let me wait for an hour and you don't even phone me!?"
RS: "I'm sorry sir."
G: "Don't lie!"
– click –

(5)
By die werk.
G: "Why are you wearing your jacket the wrong way around?"
Werker: "Sir, the AC is cold. I am preventing the coldness to enter my breast."
G: "Aah, I see."

(6)
'n Klop aan die deur. Ek maak oop.
RS: "I brought you matches sir."
G: "Why?"
RS: "You no ask for matches?"
G: "To do what with?"
RS: "I don't now sir. You no want matches? You phoned."
G: "I did not phone you."
RS: "So who is phone me sir?"
G: "Why don't you knock on everybody's door and ask them?"
RS: "OK sir."

Halfuur later – nog 'n klop aan die deur. Dieselfde persoon.

RS: "Oh sorry sir."
G: "Just give me the matches."

Geniet julle naweek. Ek moet Yankarri toe gaan virre lang naweek, met my zaber in die warm water sit en stories skryf vir die Getaway en ek mag nie eers die woord poes gebruik nie.

Deel met jou tjommies!

    griffinNigerian weekly #4

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